As the internet is down for the past one week, I was not well connected to the outside world. Since I'm not following the daily new Covid 19 cases and checking the list of places that positive cases visited, my anxiety reduces and had a brief moment of feeling that the world is getting better. 

Just as I thought that I am doing well with my life, I took a roller coaster ride down the slope. Is it because of mum mentioned his name a few times for the past few days? The roller coaster goes up the slope slowly and shoots down like crazy and goes back up slowly again. The cycle repeats.

I am fine without him, it is better to just earn money from now on and get to keep it all to myself. 

But what if when I am old and sick and there is no on to take care of me?

My life has been on a halt since I'm with him, I depended too much on him and expected him to give me the life I want. It is my life. I have to live it my own way. Not waiting for him. Now I have a goal to study overseas, I need to work my way there.

But my egg reserve is reducing, will I regret not having a child of my own?

Why are you so stupid to keep pouring money on him by helping him to pay for his insurance is a lump sum, by putting money into his bank account just like that, by trusting him and invested on his business? Look what happened when you have no income? He complained at you for spending a few hundreds on you. He promised he will give you 'salary' monthly, but look what happened? He regretted and say he doesn't want to do it anymore. Girl, you'd better be awake now and never spend money on a man anymore in the future.

But he did buy me a lot of good stuffs previously. Even the desktop that I'm typing with now is from him.

He took from his office and he doesn't need to pay a single cent for that. What's that to compare with the tens thousands of dollar you spent on him? 

At least he paid for my Iphone 6s.

It has been 12 days, he didn't even text you or anything. The last message he sent was on the 24th Jan promising he will chat with you the next day. He only called once for the past 12 days and it was 2.15am and he didn't even bother to call second time anymore. If this is still what you called boyfriend, I don't know what is anymore.

I have decided to let him go for 12 days already. It is not going to be an easy journey to fully and truly let go of him. He will creep into the back of your mind every now and then. Even though you have removed his things from your room, the memory is something you cannot remove. Every corner of the house, every little thing you do, every future you plan, will remind you of him. But that's okay, time is the best way to fade every pain. Is it the best way? Probably it's just the only way.