Everytime when I'm feeling down, I will have conversation with myself during shower so I have decided to write it down here.

"Do you still have suicidal thoughts now?"

"Oh yes, almost every other day."

*Eyes getting teary*

"You know people always ask 'what's your plan for 2022?' I might sound like I'm joking but I'm dead serious mean it when I say 'to stay alive'"

"Do you tell your friends about your suicidal thoughts?"

"Only a friend or two. Those who will understand without judging me. Got one friend is on the same frequency as I am. Looks fine on the outside but rotting inside. But at least she is getting help so she definitely will live longer than me."

"If my parents passed away one day, I literally have no other reason to stay in this world."

"Sibling? My brother left us. So-called boyfriend? He probably doesn't even notice when I'm not around anymore. Career? I don't have one. Friends? They might be sad but they will be alright."

"See? I don't have a good reason to stay."

"But the world is so beautiful out there."

"Hm, then one month before I plan to die, I will take whatever little money I have and go travel. And then I die."

"You know, I thought he is the one."

"For years, I'm 101% sure he is the one for me. And I was so afraid of death that time. I'm afraid that when he dies I will be alone again"

"But when the one doesn't really care about you anymore, doesn't love you anymore, and doesn't really give a fuck about you anymore. Those fears? They no longer bother me no more."

 "I know. I'm fucked up. I'm one fucked up woman who can't pick herself up and is weak like hell."

"Who cares, anyway. Nobody cares."