CNY 2022, he showed me his air ticket to KL saying he'll come to Kuching to celebrate CNY with me. I waited. And waited. Everytime the dog barks, I secretly hope it's him appearing at the front of my house. I bought lots of nice CNY food and make some myself to impress him. After dinner and everything, I called. Nothing. When the firework starts at midnight until next morning, I called and called. Nothing. At last when he picked up, he said 'Ah, forgot to tell you I'm not coming.'

Then come my 30th birthday, my wish is for him to talk with me on the phone. Yes, just that. No gifts, no cake, nothing. Just a little bit of his time. Without disappointing, I get none of it. Only got him to pick up my phone past midnight after I called for >100 times. 

Somewhere along April this year, he said he'll pay back to me RM5K with his EPF money. Nothing. 2 months has passed, I still haven't get back the super painful RM871 that I paid on CNY eve. He said he's preparing to come Kuching in April then after that he said he'll come after Raya then after Raya, he didn't pick up my phone anymore. Picked up twice - 25th May and 11th June. Both phone calls laster ~10 seconds. I only get to say 'hello' followed by him saying he's very busy and forced me to say ok then that's it. I didn't have a single chance to say why I called him.

What's still there for me to hold on?

I just realised that he didn't have me do CNY greetings with his family. I thought I did this year but then it was 2019 or 2020. In a way, I'm also being removed from being part of his family right?

With all these signs, maybe it's his way of forcing me to give up. Not picking up phone is such a typical 'go away, you annoying brat!' tactic because my brother did that on us too. With those rare moments of picking up phone because he's annoyed by my calls, he didn't ask why I call him. 

I'd rather having physical pain. At least when you are injured, your wound would heal eventually and you won't feel pain anymore. But with emotional pain, the wound might seem like it has healed but it can split open within a second and caught you off guard everytime it happens. When can I not feel pain anymore? I remember praying to God to help me to end this. Whatever ways, kill me, make me lose memory, don't let me wake up ever again. I don't do that anymore. Am I improving? I don't call continuously anymore. Am I moving on? 

It's easy to say let go and move on. Maybe I should tattoo 'Let Go' and 'Move On' to my arms. Be that cool and chic woman. Be smart. Be independent. 

This passage can be an answer to the question 'What it the lie you keep telling yourself that even you believe it' (a game brought by Thian Hui) I gave a lame answer that time - Answer 'I'm ok with anything' when someone asked what to eat.

The real answer is 'believe that he'll come back to me again', it's a lie I keep telling myself over and over again and I can even come up with different reasoning for his actions to explain why he acting cold towards me 'ah, he's busy' 'he's stressed with earning money' 

xoxo,
V.I.P