I think the reason I find it so hard to move on is because the attachment was too strong. For a few years, I have found a safe place and I have accepted him fully to come inside my castle. There were even times where I think he is better than my own family members. Come to think of it, I wasn't particularly attached to my family members since young. My brother was studying abroad for ~10 years and later on working abroad too so he is absent 90% of the time in my childhood, teenage hood and almost 100% absent in my adult hood. I don't attached to my parents too because they are not someone I can look up too (which also explains why I keep falling for kpop idols? as I take them as someone I can look up to?) So when I met him, I realized 'ahhh, finally there's someone I can attach to' Someone I can be 110% comfortable around with. How do I know? Because my energy doesn't drain when I'm with him. It feels like a charging dock? While if I'm out with friends or even best friend, my energy will still drain. And also, everytime I have problem or trouble, no matter how petty, I will look for him brainlessly. I can't do this to anyone, not even my parents. And he used to help me to solve all those problems, no matter how petty. He's also someone I can pour my heart out. Literally. It's like taking m heart out and show him inside out. That being said, I turn to him whenever I'm happy, sad, scared, angry, excited, everything!

When someone you are that attached to disappear, it's hell.

You will fall heavily from heaven to earth. No safe landing. No protective bouncer. Nothing. Fall hard with a thud.

And Raymond say I'm not looking for another man because I was hurt. Well it's entirely wrong, it's not entirely right either. I'm perfectly fine on my own. I was perfectly fine on my own too. Until he came along and I had a few years of good life. Now I'm back to square one. I have no energy and the will to look for another new candidate again. Just let me be alone. We all came to this world alone and will leave this world alone too. And seriously, if I were to look for another man now, he'll just be the replacement. It's unfair for him and time-energy wasting for me too. Everyone is unique. How can someone replace someone?

He's someone I'm heavily attached to. My attachment issue really shows here doesn't it? hah

I need to grief for this relationship. It's now 2 years and still counting. How many more 2 years do I need?

Am I towards the end of grieving? As Winner's songs came into my life. Their songs are upbeat and happy. Does that mean I'm getting happier too? BTS's songs have accompanied me when I'm at my lowest. And now I'm moving to Winner. Is that a sign of transition?

Even now, if I were to tell about him to others, I will tend to say the good things. Which is exactly why I don't talk about him at all. Because I need to say all the bad things about him for me to let go and move on. 

It's hard.

But nothing in life is easy.